I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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