what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
