So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
