we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
where are my eyebrows?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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