Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
