you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
