I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
