why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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