I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
