i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
