I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
