I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
