And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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