don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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