I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
