She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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