Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
