i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Send help, water and tortillas.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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