Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
