Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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