So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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