Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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