Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
