1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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