if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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