You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
