my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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