Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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