I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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