Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
