some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
