I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
