can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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