I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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