she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
