So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
