College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
