the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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