Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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