I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
