quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
