YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
