I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
