You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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