I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
