I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
