she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
