We named our party play list daddy issues
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
