Sry I called you an 8
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
