How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Good news!! I can adult!! š turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement šš
Heās older
Like āhas a job and pays his billsā older or āstill watches porn on DVD because he canāt figure out the Internetā older?
Randomize
