I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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