turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
