Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
