2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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