My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
