So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
