NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
that is very illegal...i love you.
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