Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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