I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
